Definitions

Through out the duration this blog you may read things that either confuse or offend you. Oh well. Life is tough all over. The offending part I can do nothing about. Choosing to be offended is personal and has nothing to do with me. You can either read this or not, your choice. Now the confusion part I can help with. I frequently use nicknames, abbreviations and such when I write. I will attempt to keep you up to date at the time with any unfamiliar words or abbreviations. For now I will give you a list of frequently used words and their meanings. I have accumulated a list of descriptive names from relatives(thank you Carrie and Mark) from friends(thank you Christy)and from the ER. Here are a few:

Cankle - a cankle is essentially a fat ankle. It's when your calf flows down into your ankle. A cankle is the thing that over flows your short little socks. If you are large no one should see your fat ankles unless you have unbelievable self esteem. Very self assured over weight people and those at the gym wear Capri's with little socks and cankles are evident.

Abdomothigh - An abdomothigh is when your stomach falls to the top of your thighs. An abdomothigh cannot be pushed successfully into a Spanx without assistance from your significant other. Those of you who read my other blog are aware of my Spanx issues during the time of my daughters wedding.

Triceptopit - This is also know as a bat wing or a bye-bye arm. This is the loose skin and fat that hangs down from your triceps and hides your armpit. It becomes a problem when you are trying to shave and have to practically dislocate your arm by throwing it backwards so that you can see your armpit. This is endearing in your grandmother. I do not have a grandchild so it is not endearing to me.

Choobie - A Choobie is when your chin reaches your boobies. This is way more than a turkey neck. A choobie is when you really can't find your chin. If you have a choobie you cannot wear those cute choker necklaces because it would not be seen. Kinda like a thong on a 400 pound woman. This was, till recently my personal favorite word, thanks to my nephew Mark.

Dickie-Do - Okay now this is just slightly naughty but is now my favorite descriptive word. A dickie-do is particular to a man. This is sort of like the abdomothigh but....well... it's just a better male description. It is when a man's stomach sticks out farther than his DICKIE-DO. Thank you Christy!

Zumba Lisa, from Breaux Bridge Sure Fit, gave me a private lesson today and I finally think with practice I can do the basic Salsa steps. This Zumba is a killer. I felt like my legs were going to fall off. I got a good workout and had a blast with Lisa. Bronson showed me the equiptment in the new equiptment room that is just for women and I will go there tomorrow to do cardio and start on the exercise equiptment.

Oh and by the way I am down to 262. Not a big deal because it's mostly water. I have peed enough to sink a canoe.

Snack Drawer and Blending In

I made it through the weekend with a few slips but still feel somewhat successful. I sit on the right side of the desk at the nursing station. That is "my" area and I am very territorial. I have tried sitting other places and it just doesn't work for me. Beside my spot is the treat drawer(which probably explains why I sit there)Whenever we have candy it goes in that drawer. It should have a lock on it. The first thing I do is open it when I get to work. On Friday they had sugar wafer cookies. My momentary favorite. I had one without thinking about it. I had it chewed up before I gave my diet a thought. I ate my dinner, kept to protein snacks and fruit with in moderation. I drank all my water and have tried to decrease the amount of coffee I consume. I didn't make it to the gym at all. Work was exhausting and I only had 12 hours between shifts.

I got to thinking about the color black. I wear a lot of black. I like the color but mostly choose it because it makes me look less fat. I really am only fooling myself but I still gravitate towards that color because I think it helps me to blend in. What I have found is that people remember me. Not that I am just not the most memorable person you would want to meet but usually because of my size. I have had many situations where I have had NOTHING to do with a disgruntled patient and they will always say the 'big' nurse did such and such.. that's me. Everyone else seems to disappear. I have been called to give a statement about something that happened that I have no knowledge of and I promise you that it is because they notice me and mostly forget who it was that pissed them off. One of the nurses said one time that the patient was going to call and complain about her. I told her not to worry they would complain about the fat nurse.... or the big nurse with red hair(I haven't had red hair in a year)It happens too many times to be a coincidence.

You cannot blend in if you are 100+ pounds over weight. I don't want to be just like everyone else because fat or not I am unique and have value. I too often judge myself harshly because of my weight and I have to learn not to do that. Being heavy makes me slow but it doesn't make me stupid. I have to learn to like myself in the shape I am in but sometimes I hate myself for all my weaknesses.

Each Day is New

I won't post every day especially on the weekends because of my schedule but what i wanted to talk about today is that each day is a new day. Kind of like the AA program (or OA) you go from day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. The temptation doesn't end. I am the master of rationalization. You want to eat?? Call me I will give you at least 10 reasons why you can eat whatever you want. The deal is I have to develop as large a repertoire of reasons why I can't eat. I come from an extended family of 'healthy' women. That is to say we are all sort of 'fluffy'. I have the singular honor of being the largest which makes me the empress of adipose. My sisters and I have had ongoing weight problems probably associated with growing up Shurtz. My father was an alcoholic and while I don't remember him ever living with me(my parents were divorced when I was very young)his drinking and genetic makeup influenced all of us. This may or may not be discussed at a later date. I really don't have much good to say about him thus it wouldn't be much fun to talk about Mike..we shall see, it is after all my blog.
I started today with 20 whole fresh cherries, 2 cups of coffee with milk. I probably should have had a better breakfast but wasn't hungry. I went to the gym and did 1 and 1/2 miles in 30 min. I haven't been on a treadmill since before Christmas and I was pouring sweat by the time I was done. I feel looser after I hit the treadmill. I have a feeling I was taxing the machine because it squeaked for all 30 min. The man in front of me kept turning up the sound on the TV and looking back at me. HEY....I'm working here... don't give me mean eyes. It reminds me of the time years ago at another gym. I was working on the thigh machine and a lady came up and just stood there looking at me. She was 'fashionably' thin with long dark hair in a pony tail and a sweat band around her forehead. She had a prominent nose. I can still see what she had on...everything was lavender and everything matched. I had just started on the machine and after tapping her foot she said "I don't know why you here, it's not going to do you any good". I was hurt and stunned. My immediate retort was: You know, I CAN lose weight with diet and exercise, it's going to cost you a f***king( I sometimes have problems with a potty mouth) fortune to take care of that ugly nose. I stopped going to the gym shortly afterwards and although I don't really remember I imagine I treated my misery with food.

Just so I can keep tract I had a broccoli salad for lunch and 3 oz of steak with broccoli for dinner. I work tonight and I am taking the remaining salad with me. I have about 6 glasses of water to drink. Today I was successful. Yea me!!

Zuma Day and Day One of No Sugar

I have a photographer friend the notable Kevin Pyle in Lafayette. He is going to take pictures of me once a month to place on this blog. Kevin shoots Elite's Dance performances and is a wonderful man. Go to his site www.kevinpyle.com and enjoy yourself!!

Today Becky and I went to Sure Fit and had a private lesson with Lisa Breaux. Man she get it DOWN. This session was to teach the Latin steps needed to go thru the routines. Becky did well. I discovered that I can't move my hips and arms at the same time...and add leg movement. I was all over the place. I am going back next week for another private and will continue to go TILL I GET IT! I will then join the group. I have made my weekly exercise goal decision. I will go to Sure Fit 4 times a week including my Zumba Class. The insides of my thighs hurt. I think it's because they have been rubbing together. The muscles don't hurt, that will happen tomorrow... it's my skin.
I have to do this. I must remain goal directed and focused. I am trying to be honest so it really should be about my health but in reality it's all about cute underwear and no cellulite....oh that and being able to cross my legs.

Dieting

There is no 4 letter word that I hate the most other than the word diet. I have reached my pinnacle of 270 pounds and I am 58 years old. I am an expert on dieting and an expert on failing as well. I was a chubby child but spent my early adult years with a good figure and the intelligence to maintain a healthy weight. I just don't know what happened. One day I was in a size 10 string bikini and next in granny panties. I look in the mirror and I don't see a fat woman. I see me. Not the real me, the me that my mind says I am. I have been lying to myself for 30 years and it has to stop now. In 1995 I lost 115 lbs from my all time high of 315 and I kept the weight off until I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003 and I gained back 70 pounds in a year. I have promised myself all kinds of things to keep on various diets that I have been on, I have thrown out all my "fat" clothes and now have nothing to wear . I can't wipe my butt the hygienic way because it's too big and I can't cross my legs. Despite what Weight Watchers touts dieting is NOT a group effort, it is a singular trial of determination, sweat, failure and hopefully success. I will succeed. I will keep this diary and post monthly pictures in an effort to keep me on tract and to provide encouragement for others in the same boat as me! I love life and want to live longer, healthier and happier. I want to be able to cross my legs, fly on a plane without cutting myself in half with the lap belt, have my energy back and wear high heels again. I want to wear a bathing suit and sit near thin people instead of picking a spot by those bigger than me. I want to walk into a place I haven't been to in a while and not be recognized. I will explore the reasons that cause me to placate my moods with food and deal with those things that bother me. I will never again "stop traffic" but I want to be the best that I can be. Join me on my journey.