Admission of and Thoughts on Cheating

Kay and I in front of the LauBerge du Lac Casino in Lake Charles. Kay is a veterinarian from Houston, Texas and has been my dear friend for over 25 years.



I have been on my mini vacation and I am sitting here in bed drinking a diet Dr. Pepper, which I might add is about the only thing “diet” I have consumed in the past two days. I intended on being very good and eat only fish, beef and vegetables while I was gone. Well I didn’t. I have had blackened redfish smothered in crawfish etoufee, Eggs Benedict, hamburger and fries and a fabulous grilled cheese and bacon sandwich. With more fries. I personally believe that there isn’t a French fry that I don’t just purely love. Does it count that I didn’t eat dessert? Probably not. I consumed enough calories in one meal for an entire day. But lordy I did have fun. The question is, are you allowed to cheat? You shouldn't but every diet says that cheating is normal and what you have to do is get back on the proverbial horse and continue on. So tomorrow afternoon I will go back on my diet and will be glad to do so. Since I am confessing I might as well tell it all…. I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks. I am having the worst time going. I want to go when I get off work and I end up so tired I just drive on by. So this week my 2 goals are to go back to the gym at least 4 days and to stay on my diet. For tonight I will say that I am happy to have been with my friend Kay, and that I have had a great time in a marvelous hotel. I was also happy for the French fries. So sue me.

Pictures

Okay I have had more than one suggestion that instead of my scrubs to have my picture taken each month to get a form fitting outfit like on "The Biggest Loser" to really show how much I have done. HUMMMMM. That would be stretch pants and a athletic bra. I honestly don't know if I can go that far. I need to take in the sensibilities of the photographer who is helping me. If he is laughing too hard the pics might not turn out well. I mean if I will do that why not a bathing suit.... like the one I wore 30 years ago. Yes I still have it, I thought about putting it in a shadow box.. it's about that small. To all those who have suggested the clothes change, I will give it thought because you are right. Nothing would be hidden from the camera. I'm sitting here right now wanting to snack. I won't do it but the 'want' is there. Stan has two types of ice cream in the freezer, strawberry and butter pecan, uggghhh I love them both. I can hear them calling me. I need to get up and clean the kitchen and pack my lunch for tonight. I will not eat the ice cream. Stan told me today that he has lost weight. How freeking fair is that? I'm on a diet and Stan loses weight AND is eating ice cream.

PS. I will not eat the ice cream damn it.

Eating Disorders

I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic or bulimic but food still controls my life to an extent. I eat based on my emotions. I have known several people who have maintained their weight by vomiting and using laxatives. I can promise you I have never ever forced myself to vomit in order to lose weight. I can also promise you that the few times I have been sick I was secretly glad because I had emptied my stomach of a meal. As I am bent over the toilet thinking I am dying, there is a little voice saying wooohooo I am going to lose weight. I really hate to vomit though so I just can't imagine anyone doing that on a regular basis. The thing is that those eating disorders are not so much about food as about control. Each person I know that has struggled with anorexia is all about the thin body but in the background of their life there is a powerlessness that may not be apparent. The only control they have is what goes into their mouths.
When I was in nursing school my friend Patty G. and I had dates with some impressive guys from the School of Optometry. We both felt we were bloated so Patty(who had constipation problems) took 2 ducolax pills and she gave me one pill. I don't remember ever even thinking about my bowels at that age let alone taking one to make me go. After 30 minutes we hadn't gone yet(hey we were still learning about medication) so we took more.. she took 2 and I took another. We didn't make our dates that night because we couldn't leave the bathroom. I did however lose that bloated feeling. I know as sure as I am writing this that a majority of women have used laxatives at one time or another to get rid of the bloat so that they can look better in their jeans or that special clingy dress. The problem arises when you start taking them every day or several times a day so that you can eat what you want and just poo it out. That "little" habit messes up your electrolytes in your body and can cause serious health problems.
I really can understand the allure of eating what you want and just getting rid of it. You could eat a whole cake and in one jab of a well placed finger down your throat the cake comes up and voila... no weight gain. I understand it, but couldn't do it. Bulimics have told me that eating and purging controls nearly every part of their lives. I want my freedom. I wouldn't want to be chained to the nearest bathroom.
I had a successful weekend food wise but missed the gym each day. I am doing about 15 minutes of Zumba at work. It's a little embarrassing because I don't have music and I look ridiculous BUT ultimately who cares. It won't be the first or last time I embarrass myself!

Food: The Center of My Life Past and Present

Looking back on my childhood I can remember so many things and they are mostly associated with food. I remember whenever I was sick my mom making me a bowl of heavily buttered toast covered with hot milk and salt and pepper. Even today it's a fight, when I don't feel well, not to break out the "milk toast". I don't remember having lots of snacks in my home growing up and don't know why I was a chubby child but I remember that special times were often had at Grooms Ice Creamery and TAT pizza. We didn't have frozen pizza and I don't remember having ice cream in the freezer like we do now. I can remember getting in trouble when I was about 5(or younger) The neighbor's grandson was visiting and for some unknown reason we were behind the garage smearing MUM deodorant in our respective navels. My mom found us and send Chris home and me to my room. I was made to stay home with supervision while the rest of the family went to get ice cream cones from Grooms. An ice cream treat was rare and I still remember watching out the bedroom window as the car pulled away. My mother was a good cook but other than holidays I don't remember much before the age of 15 as to everyday meals. They must have been high in calories because I was an overweight child. As an adult I have to have something to serve people who drop by my house. I don't know if this is something that I have stored in my subconscious from childhood or what I developed on my own but food and drink are central in my act as a good hostess. In the past an unexpected visitor would be offered coffee at a minimum and I would feel obligated (why I don't know) to offer something solid. I have slowly broken myself from the guilt of not having danishes, mainly because I would eat them before I had company. It is still hard for me to have visitors and not feed them. I have planned whole vacations around food. On our cruise last December my sisters and I spent a lot of time discussing where and when we would eat. I don't remember one conversation about the workout room. Food is central in all of our lives. We meet over dinner and discuss the day's activities, we have parties and chat at the buffet table and we linger over desert at a great restaurant while enjoying the company of a friend. It's going to be hard for me to point to the exact reason why I ate, not for survival, but to fill some need in myself that wasn't being met elsewhere.

My Before Pictures

My favorite magazine articles are those before and after pictures. I love seeing how much a person changes with weight loss or a make over. Well I can't tell you the 'guts' it took to post these pictures. These pictures to me are brutal. I was at Photographer Kevin Pyle's home to take the pictures below. As he was putting them to disc all I could say was exclamations like "dear God or oh Lord" I was horrified at these pictures. I have repeatedly said on my other blog that Kodak doesn't lie. No matter how good you think you look, have a picture taken and that should just snap you back to reality. I was just appalled at how I have let myself go and to think I have been bigger in the past. I am not discouraged, I am really motivated. I want to be able to see a difference next month when I have those pictures taken again. Thank you Kevin for helping me!!!

Definitions

Through out the duration this blog you may read things that either confuse or offend you. Oh well. Life is tough all over. The offending part I can do nothing about. Choosing to be offended is personal and has nothing to do with me. You can either read this or not, your choice. Now the confusion part I can help with. I frequently use nicknames, abbreviations and such when I write. I will attempt to keep you up to date at the time with any unfamiliar words or abbreviations. For now I will give you a list of frequently used words and their meanings. I have accumulated a list of descriptive names from relatives(thank you Carrie and Mark) from friends(thank you Christy)and from the ER. Here are a few:

Cankle - a cankle is essentially a fat ankle. It's when your calf flows down into your ankle. A cankle is the thing that over flows your short little socks. If you are large no one should see your fat ankles unless you have unbelievable self esteem. Very self assured over weight people and those at the gym wear Capri's with little socks and cankles are evident.

Abdomothigh - An abdomothigh is when your stomach falls to the top of your thighs. An abdomothigh cannot be pushed successfully into a Spanx without assistance from your significant other. Those of you who read my other blog are aware of my Spanx issues during the time of my daughters wedding.

Triceptopit - This is also know as a bat wing or a bye-bye arm. This is the loose skin and fat that hangs down from your triceps and hides your armpit. It becomes a problem when you are trying to shave and have to practically dislocate your arm by throwing it backwards so that you can see your armpit. This is endearing in your grandmother. I do not have a grandchild so it is not endearing to me.

Choobie - A Choobie is when your chin reaches your boobies. This is way more than a turkey neck. A choobie is when you really can't find your chin. If you have a choobie you cannot wear those cute choker necklaces because it would not be seen. Kinda like a thong on a 400 pound woman. This was, till recently my personal favorite word, thanks to my nephew Mark.

Dickie-Do - Okay now this is just slightly naughty but is now my favorite descriptive word. A dickie-do is particular to a man. This is sort of like the abdomothigh but....well... it's just a better male description. It is when a man's stomach sticks out farther than his DICKIE-DO. Thank you Christy!

Zumba Lisa, from Breaux Bridge Sure Fit, gave me a private lesson today and I finally think with practice I can do the basic Salsa steps. This Zumba is a killer. I felt like my legs were going to fall off. I got a good workout and had a blast with Lisa. Bronson showed me the equiptment in the new equiptment room that is just for women and I will go there tomorrow to do cardio and start on the exercise equiptment.

Oh and by the way I am down to 262. Not a big deal because it's mostly water. I have peed enough to sink a canoe.

Snack Drawer and Blending In

I made it through the weekend with a few slips but still feel somewhat successful. I sit on the right side of the desk at the nursing station. That is "my" area and I am very territorial. I have tried sitting other places and it just doesn't work for me. Beside my spot is the treat drawer(which probably explains why I sit there)Whenever we have candy it goes in that drawer. It should have a lock on it. The first thing I do is open it when I get to work. On Friday they had sugar wafer cookies. My momentary favorite. I had one without thinking about it. I had it chewed up before I gave my diet a thought. I ate my dinner, kept to protein snacks and fruit with in moderation. I drank all my water and have tried to decrease the amount of coffee I consume. I didn't make it to the gym at all. Work was exhausting and I only had 12 hours between shifts.

I got to thinking about the color black. I wear a lot of black. I like the color but mostly choose it because it makes me look less fat. I really am only fooling myself but I still gravitate towards that color because I think it helps me to blend in. What I have found is that people remember me. Not that I am just not the most memorable person you would want to meet but usually because of my size. I have had many situations where I have had NOTHING to do with a disgruntled patient and they will always say the 'big' nurse did such and such.. that's me. Everyone else seems to disappear. I have been called to give a statement about something that happened that I have no knowledge of and I promise you that it is because they notice me and mostly forget who it was that pissed them off. One of the nurses said one time that the patient was going to call and complain about her. I told her not to worry they would complain about the fat nurse.... or the big nurse with red hair(I haven't had red hair in a year)It happens too many times to be a coincidence.

You cannot blend in if you are 100+ pounds over weight. I don't want to be just like everyone else because fat or not I am unique and have value. I too often judge myself harshly because of my weight and I have to learn not to do that. Being heavy makes me slow but it doesn't make me stupid. I have to learn to like myself in the shape I am in but sometimes I hate myself for all my weaknesses.