Hello, I am back and still fat

This is my own blog that I don't post on face book. It is a diary of my weight loss journey. I seem to have been stuck in the land of carbs for the past year and turned 60 this past December. I am disgusted with myself and at 263 lbs decided that I have to do something and stick to it. My left knee hurts nearly all the time as does my back. I know that it is related to my weight. I have gone back on Nutrasystem and I am developing goals that hopefully will get me through the next 100 lbs. Today is my first day. I can do this. I know that I can. I had excellent news yesterday that has encouraged me to stay focused. I can't share the excellent news yet just in case someone I know might read this, but trust me it is excellent. I may even quit smoking. God is so good. Lord get me through this day, the first day of my journey.

February 16, 2011

Oink.
I am disgusted with myself. I have cheated like there is no tomorrow. I will eat something thinking that tomorrow I will cut back to allow for the consumption of what I want to eat today. Tomorrow I will employ the same excuse. I went to the Mississippi hunting lease with Stan this last weekend and it occurred to me that if I don't stick on my diet that I will not be able to wedge my big ass into the camper bathroom and I might be forced to 'potty' in the woods. While using the 'facilities" I was upset to realize that I am wall to wall butt. There are only two solutions to this problem(not counting plastic surgery) 1) get a bigger camper or 2) lose weight. I have not blogged because I have had no success. I realized that this is a defeatist attitude and that maybe if I blogged at least twice a week I might be more apt to stick to my plan. I actually thought about surgery because my hospital covers all the gastro type surgeries. This is a cop out for me because I can lose weight.... and I can do it easily... I just have to say NO. Here's to a loud, emphatic NONONONO. Say a prayer....I just love ice cream.

Looking Back on the last 2 Weeks

Ice cream, Christmas cookies, rib roast, potatoes(mashed, fried, baked and boiled and in casseroles), ham, brisket, chips and dip, candy coated pecans, cupcakes, cake, miniature Reese's peanut butter cups, popcorn(all flavors), pretzel salad, cheese cake, shrimp, pinwheels, brie cheese in bread, broccoli casserole, squash casserole, gravy, heavy whipped cream mixed with horseradish. bread, butter, champagne, wine, Crystal burgers, McDonald's breakfasts, turkey, tamales, triscuts with melted cheese, creamed spinach, butter, butter, BUTTER on and in EVERYTHING, sweet tea, and real coke. I reached a point the other day when I just couldn't eat any more rich food. My mind does not compute the amount of weight watcher points I have consumed. After my gluttonous two weeks I get a card in the mail from my meeting leader.... 'We are missing you' I start back again today...well not at the meeting but I will go on line. I have other resolutions but for this blog only one counts and that is to stick to my damn diet and learn to say no!!

Thanksgiving Day 2010

You know how you can tell that a person who blogs has fallen off the diet wagon...so to speak?? They stop blogging and having pictures taken. Yup. My name is Debbie. I am a fat person who cheats. I went on a vacation and ate like a little piggy. I consumed an entire box of homemade cookies from my sister Barb. It wasn't a WHOLE box I did offer some to others but only a few risked my obvious glare to eat one. Jill swore she didn't really like them. Liar. They are the best!!! I ate 6 White Castles at a sitting for dinner one night and repeated the same amount for lunch the next day. I was conscious of what I was eating and knowing that I was going to pig out made sure that I kept my other meals to spare. Still I am really off my goal. I was alone today and went to the store and was careful about what I bought. I had a good meal within my point target with Weight Watchers. I hoped that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I will not beat myself up for my failure and I will move on. I am going to win.

STARVING

I have been awake since 4am and I am hungry. I am allowed 32 freeking points a day which is considerable. I am, however, currently willing to gnaw my dog's chewy toy and before I go to bed Sunday morning I will have to get thru the next 27 hours. I have 32 points to spread over 27 hours which is approximately 1.19 points per hour. I will work from 7pm till 7am so logic tells you that I need to save my points for my normally 'awake' hours. I am not kidding, my stomach is growling. I just finished 2 cups of coffee and a container of fat free lime flavored Ativia. That was one point and I want to lick(and eat) the container except it's too small to insert my tongue. I am planning on going back to bed this morning around 11 to take a nap so I only have to get thru the next 4 and 1/2 hours. I am thinking about chocolate, I am thinking about the Blue Bell Butter Pecan ice cream that is in my freezer, I am thinking about toast slathered in real butter. I have apples but it's so healthy that it irritates me. I have another wedding to prepare for. Joshua and Syd are getting married September 24, 2011(pretty sure) and I want to look smashing. Then the thought intrudes: is that really fair to Becky. I was 'fluffy' for her wedding so fairness indicates that I be equally fluffy for Joshua's. What a dilemma.

Guilty, but Back on the Program, and Walking the Dogs

Well I haven't posted anything in a while because I had nothing good to report. And it's all my fault. I haven't been paying attention to my freeking point system and I also went the the casino again with Kay and Becky. I am telling you that you can work up a HUGE appetite sitting on the slot machines. I was constantly hungry. I gained 1.5 lbs and the pitying looks of my group leader. Hey, I was thrilled, I figured that I had put on at least 5 lbs. I came directly home from my meeting(instead of going by Crystal Burgers for my reward) and got out the leashes to walk the dogs. I have talked about my dogs in my other blog www.shorttakesonlife.blogspot.com but not in this one. I have a bulldog, Elizabeth and a boxer, Demi(the wonder dog). They are spoiled rotten by Stan and me. I sort of viewed myself as a responsible dog owner because I love them to distraction, feed them the best money can buy, and keep their shots up, etc. Apparently in the last few years what I have failed to do was take them for walks. They get out multiple times a day to poo and race around the yard chasing important things like squirrels, cats, and insects. I throw a stick for them but usually they just watch me pick it up... with doggy grins in place. I just didn't take them for walks. I got the leash and took Elizabeth first. All was well till I ventured out of her comfort zone(the yard) then she started to shake. Big brave Elizabeth acted like I was taking her to the vet. She was scooting on the ground and quivering all over. It took a good 30 minutes to go 1/2 block. She finally started to walk but her face was hysterical. She actually had a doggy frown in place the whole time. She was not happy but soldiered on because I had stopped all attempts to return home. She wouldn't even consider doing "her business" anywhere on the route. When we returned from the half hour session I was sweating and so was she. I put her off leash and she ran to her yard.. rolling around, ending "legs up" in ecstasy. Then she got up and pooed all over the yard. Demi, being the wonder dog she is, was dancing with delight. Walking is her favorite new thing and she was all over the place. She pooed in all the neighbors yards(they can pay me later for the free fertilizer) she heeled, sat, and did all the smart doggy things. We got a good workout and she had a blast.
I haven't been back to the photographer for over a month. That will be corrected as I have an appointment next Wednesday.

Dessert idea for the week: Weight Watchers Cookies and Cream Ice cream Bars. They are two points each and are just delicious. They do however give you gas.... and it doesn't smell like cookies and cream.

Emotional Eating and 9/11

9 years ago I was in bed when my friend Debby Quebedeaux called and woke me up with the news that the Trade Center had been hit by a plane. I got up and turned on the TV and watched in horror while the second plane hit into the second tower. I was in shock. I left the house went to the store(in my jammie pants and a tee shirt) and bought a half gallon of ice cream. Then I came home and proceeded to eat the entire half gallon. I sat with the container in my lap and spoon by spoon ate the entire thing while watching the horror on TV. I can't remember even feeling anything other than such horror and sorrow but I was feeding my emotions at the time. I would take time to wipe my tears and my nose and continue to eat the ice cream till it was gone. I didn't realize that I had eaten the entire thing till I looked down and found myself surprised that the container was empty. Looking back my current response is "what was I thinking???" The problem was that I wasn't thinking. I was distressed and in shock and the first thing I did without thinking was to feed that emotion. I was conscious this year of my feelings and found as I was watching the replays on the news that I wanted something sweet. I didn't follow thru with that desire and allowed the emotion that I was feeling to roll over me. I really understood that in the past I have eaten when I have been upset to cover up my feelings. This is some sort of ah-ha moment. So today on the anniversary of the senseless terror attack on New York City, on Americans I am watching without food to dull the feelings. I prayed instead that the survivors, families and those immediately touched by the attack will be blessed. I will, every year hold vigil in front of my TV and I will remember.