Thanksgiving Day 2010

You know how you can tell that a person who blogs has fallen off the diet wagon...so to speak?? They stop blogging and having pictures taken. Yup. My name is Debbie. I am a fat person who cheats. I went on a vacation and ate like a little piggy. I consumed an entire box of homemade cookies from my sister Barb. It wasn't a WHOLE box I did offer some to others but only a few risked my obvious glare to eat one. Jill swore she didn't really like them. Liar. They are the best!!! I ate 6 White Castles at a sitting for dinner one night and repeated the same amount for lunch the next day. I was conscious of what I was eating and knowing that I was going to pig out made sure that I kept my other meals to spare. Still I am really off my goal. I was alone today and went to the store and was careful about what I bought. I had a good meal within my point target with Weight Watchers. I hoped that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I will not beat myself up for my failure and I will move on. I am going to win.

STARVING

I have been awake since 4am and I am hungry. I am allowed 32 freeking points a day which is considerable. I am, however, currently willing to gnaw my dog's chewy toy and before I go to bed Sunday morning I will have to get thru the next 27 hours. I have 32 points to spread over 27 hours which is approximately 1.19 points per hour. I will work from 7pm till 7am so logic tells you that I need to save my points for my normally 'awake' hours. I am not kidding, my stomach is growling. I just finished 2 cups of coffee and a container of fat free lime flavored Ativia. That was one point and I want to lick(and eat) the container except it's too small to insert my tongue. I am planning on going back to bed this morning around 11 to take a nap so I only have to get thru the next 4 and 1/2 hours. I am thinking about chocolate, I am thinking about the Blue Bell Butter Pecan ice cream that is in my freezer, I am thinking about toast slathered in real butter. I have apples but it's so healthy that it irritates me. I have another wedding to prepare for. Joshua and Syd are getting married September 24, 2011(pretty sure) and I want to look smashing. Then the thought intrudes: is that really fair to Becky. I was 'fluffy' for her wedding so fairness indicates that I be equally fluffy for Joshua's. What a dilemma.

Guilty, but Back on the Program, and Walking the Dogs

Well I haven't posted anything in a while because I had nothing good to report. And it's all my fault. I haven't been paying attention to my freeking point system and I also went the the casino again with Kay and Becky. I am telling you that you can work up a HUGE appetite sitting on the slot machines. I was constantly hungry. I gained 1.5 lbs and the pitying looks of my group leader. Hey, I was thrilled, I figured that I had put on at least 5 lbs. I came directly home from my meeting(instead of going by Crystal Burgers for my reward) and got out the leashes to walk the dogs. I have talked about my dogs in my other blog www.shorttakesonlife.blogspot.com but not in this one. I have a bulldog, Elizabeth and a boxer, Demi(the wonder dog). They are spoiled rotten by Stan and me. I sort of viewed myself as a responsible dog owner because I love them to distraction, feed them the best money can buy, and keep their shots up, etc. Apparently in the last few years what I have failed to do was take them for walks. They get out multiple times a day to poo and race around the yard chasing important things like squirrels, cats, and insects. I throw a stick for them but usually they just watch me pick it up... with doggy grins in place. I just didn't take them for walks. I got the leash and took Elizabeth first. All was well till I ventured out of her comfort zone(the yard) then she started to shake. Big brave Elizabeth acted like I was taking her to the vet. She was scooting on the ground and quivering all over. It took a good 30 minutes to go 1/2 block. She finally started to walk but her face was hysterical. She actually had a doggy frown in place the whole time. She was not happy but soldiered on because I had stopped all attempts to return home. She wouldn't even consider doing "her business" anywhere on the route. When we returned from the half hour session I was sweating and so was she. I put her off leash and she ran to her yard.. rolling around, ending "legs up" in ecstasy. Then she got up and pooed all over the yard. Demi, being the wonder dog she is, was dancing with delight. Walking is her favorite new thing and she was all over the place. She pooed in all the neighbors yards(they can pay me later for the free fertilizer) she heeled, sat, and did all the smart doggy things. We got a good workout and she had a blast.
I haven't been back to the photographer for over a month. That will be corrected as I have an appointment next Wednesday.

Dessert idea for the week: Weight Watchers Cookies and Cream Ice cream Bars. They are two points each and are just delicious. They do however give you gas.... and it doesn't smell like cookies and cream.

Emotional Eating and 9/11

9 years ago I was in bed when my friend Debby Quebedeaux called and woke me up with the news that the Trade Center had been hit by a plane. I got up and turned on the TV and watched in horror while the second plane hit into the second tower. I was in shock. I left the house went to the store(in my jammie pants and a tee shirt) and bought a half gallon of ice cream. Then I came home and proceeded to eat the entire half gallon. I sat with the container in my lap and spoon by spoon ate the entire thing while watching the horror on TV. I can't remember even feeling anything other than such horror and sorrow but I was feeding my emotions at the time. I would take time to wipe my tears and my nose and continue to eat the ice cream till it was gone. I didn't realize that I had eaten the entire thing till I looked down and found myself surprised that the container was empty. Looking back my current response is "what was I thinking???" The problem was that I wasn't thinking. I was distressed and in shock and the first thing I did without thinking was to feed that emotion. I was conscious this year of my feelings and found as I was watching the replays on the news that I wanted something sweet. I didn't follow thru with that desire and allowed the emotion that I was feeling to roll over me. I really understood that in the past I have eaten when I have been upset to cover up my feelings. This is some sort of ah-ha moment. So today on the anniversary of the senseless terror attack on New York City, on Americans I am watching without food to dull the feelings. I prayed instead that the survivors, families and those immediately touched by the attack will be blessed. I will, every year hold vigil in front of my TV and I will remember.

Points and Butter Pounds

I started Weight Watchers with my daughter 2 weeks ago. This Thursday will be my third weigh in. I remember when I was 18 or 20 years old , my mom and I joined WW in Columbus, Ohio. I think I had 20 lbs to lose. I wanted to weigh 130. Currently my right leg weighs about that much so I have come a long way in the past 40 years. It used to be so simple. You had 2 beef meals a week, 5 fish meals, and I think the rest was chicken or turkey. You had to drink water, eat a ton of fresh vegtetables and you weighed in every week. There was food you could and couldn't eat unlike now. You can eat anything you want because all foods are assigned a point value. You are given a certain number of points that you can use each day based on your weight and activity level. I won't embarass myself by telling you all just how many points I am allowed each day but it is sufficient enough that I am not hungry. As you lose weight the number of points you are allowed each day lessens. Using the point system you can theoretically eat all your daily points in ice cream or oreos. Honestly I am wearing myself out using all my willpower to maintain a healthy diet and not just eat crap. I don't do well on a diet that allows me to eat what ever I want. You are allowed 35 extra points each week for dining out or a special occasion. I am the mistress of justification and can pretty much excuse the use of extra points. I was strict the first week and lost 7.2 lbs. Going into the second week I remembered that I hadn't used the 35 extra points from the first week, so I combined them with the second week's points(you are not allowed to do that) and cheated a lot. I, in fact, probably used the next 6 weeks extra points because they had the best cake at work. The second week I only lost .6 lbs. I was sure that the scale was wrong and they wouldn't let me strip nude to re-weigh. I was suitably depressed and ashamed so afterwards took Becky out for breakfast where we stuck to our allotted points. Drinking coffee, I got the 'urge' and went to the bathroom(if you are a new reader of my other blog get used to me being frank about bodily functions). I returned to the table and turned right around to go back to the john. I told Beck that I was going back to re-weigh because I know I had just lost 5 lbs. She just rolled her eyes at me.

I have always found it easier to visualize any weight loss in terms of sticks of butter. Every pound is represented by 4 sticks of butter. As of my last weigh in I have lost a little over 28 sticks of butter. To reach my goal I will have to lose over 400 stick os butter. OH MY GAWD! This week I was supposed to stick to an exercise program. I have failed miserably but the other day while surfing the net I came upon a new machine for exercise and weight loss. Yes, I ordered it and when it comes in I will take a picture so that you will be able to see the latest piece of equipment designed to give me a "tighter butt and thighs". It also promises that it will increase weight loss. I am pretty excited... I just love new gadgets! It will probably end up holding my discarded clothes like the Nordic Track.

Closing now and wishing all a blessed Labor day.

Second Pictures, Weight Watchers and Granny Panties

I am shocked when I see pictures of myself. What amazes me is that my belly is bigger than my boobs. When I had my bilateral mastectomies I was afraid that my implants were too big. Then I gained 70 lbs. I should have gone for the superdooper sized boobs.
This lovely butt view makes me cringe.

Kevin Pyle( the WONDERFUL photographer) and I have decided that this will be my outfit for the duration because it is pretty revealing and this shot alone, when repeated will show my success. As the white line straightens my butt is getting smaller!

Oh oink... look at my cankles.

To my niece Carrie. You win. I am in something that is very revealing. I want you to appreciate that the pants are tight and I was miserable. I felt like I had a wedgie the whole time and I couldn't breathe. After the photo session I met Becky and we went to Weight Watchers. She doesn't have much to lose but she wanted company and I went. The check-in lady wanted to know if I was a 'lifetime' member(that is a person who reaches their goal and keeps it off. They don't have to pay for meetings) I wanted to say " why yes I am, I just had a 100 lb slip up." Considering that I only lost 5 lbs since the last picture session I figured a more structured diet was in order. I remember when I first went to Weight Watchers, I was 18 and weighed 150 lbs. I wanted to lose 20 lbs. and I was successful. Oh, those were the days. I went to the gym twice and walked the streets twice so my exercise goal was met and I am actually feeling better. The thing that is encouraging me to stay on track this week is the memory of the elderly obese lady I undressed 3 days ago at work. She and I have matching underwear. I sort of liked my drawers before I saw her in them. I wasn't aware but apparently I wear large granny panties. My eating trigger this week is my continued struggle trying to finish my son's business taxes. I know... when I am working on the taxes I will just drape my granny panties on my head.

Admission of and Thoughts on Cheating

Kay and I in front of the LauBerge du Lac Casino in Lake Charles. Kay is a veterinarian from Houston, Texas and has been my dear friend for over 25 years.



I have been on my mini vacation and I am sitting here in bed drinking a diet Dr. Pepper, which I might add is about the only thing “diet” I have consumed in the past two days. I intended on being very good and eat only fish, beef and vegetables while I was gone. Well I didn’t. I have had blackened redfish smothered in crawfish etoufee, Eggs Benedict, hamburger and fries and a fabulous grilled cheese and bacon sandwich. With more fries. I personally believe that there isn’t a French fry that I don’t just purely love. Does it count that I didn’t eat dessert? Probably not. I consumed enough calories in one meal for an entire day. But lordy I did have fun. The question is, are you allowed to cheat? You shouldn't but every diet says that cheating is normal and what you have to do is get back on the proverbial horse and continue on. So tomorrow afternoon I will go back on my diet and will be glad to do so. Since I am confessing I might as well tell it all…. I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks. I am having the worst time going. I want to go when I get off work and I end up so tired I just drive on by. So this week my 2 goals are to go back to the gym at least 4 days and to stay on my diet. For tonight I will say that I am happy to have been with my friend Kay, and that I have had a great time in a marvelous hotel. I was also happy for the French fries. So sue me.

Pictures

Okay I have had more than one suggestion that instead of my scrubs to have my picture taken each month to get a form fitting outfit like on "The Biggest Loser" to really show how much I have done. HUMMMMM. That would be stretch pants and a athletic bra. I honestly don't know if I can go that far. I need to take in the sensibilities of the photographer who is helping me. If he is laughing too hard the pics might not turn out well. I mean if I will do that why not a bathing suit.... like the one I wore 30 years ago. Yes I still have it, I thought about putting it in a shadow box.. it's about that small. To all those who have suggested the clothes change, I will give it thought because you are right. Nothing would be hidden from the camera. I'm sitting here right now wanting to snack. I won't do it but the 'want' is there. Stan has two types of ice cream in the freezer, strawberry and butter pecan, uggghhh I love them both. I can hear them calling me. I need to get up and clean the kitchen and pack my lunch for tonight. I will not eat the ice cream. Stan told me today that he has lost weight. How freeking fair is that? I'm on a diet and Stan loses weight AND is eating ice cream.

PS. I will not eat the ice cream damn it.

Eating Disorders

I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic or bulimic but food still controls my life to an extent. I eat based on my emotions. I have known several people who have maintained their weight by vomiting and using laxatives. I can promise you I have never ever forced myself to vomit in order to lose weight. I can also promise you that the few times I have been sick I was secretly glad because I had emptied my stomach of a meal. As I am bent over the toilet thinking I am dying, there is a little voice saying wooohooo I am going to lose weight. I really hate to vomit though so I just can't imagine anyone doing that on a regular basis. The thing is that those eating disorders are not so much about food as about control. Each person I know that has struggled with anorexia is all about the thin body but in the background of their life there is a powerlessness that may not be apparent. The only control they have is what goes into their mouths.
When I was in nursing school my friend Patty G. and I had dates with some impressive guys from the School of Optometry. We both felt we were bloated so Patty(who had constipation problems) took 2 ducolax pills and she gave me one pill. I don't remember ever even thinking about my bowels at that age let alone taking one to make me go. After 30 minutes we hadn't gone yet(hey we were still learning about medication) so we took more.. she took 2 and I took another. We didn't make our dates that night because we couldn't leave the bathroom. I did however lose that bloated feeling. I know as sure as I am writing this that a majority of women have used laxatives at one time or another to get rid of the bloat so that they can look better in their jeans or that special clingy dress. The problem arises when you start taking them every day or several times a day so that you can eat what you want and just poo it out. That "little" habit messes up your electrolytes in your body and can cause serious health problems.
I really can understand the allure of eating what you want and just getting rid of it. You could eat a whole cake and in one jab of a well placed finger down your throat the cake comes up and voila... no weight gain. I understand it, but couldn't do it. Bulimics have told me that eating and purging controls nearly every part of their lives. I want my freedom. I wouldn't want to be chained to the nearest bathroom.
I had a successful weekend food wise but missed the gym each day. I am doing about 15 minutes of Zumba at work. It's a little embarrassing because I don't have music and I look ridiculous BUT ultimately who cares. It won't be the first or last time I embarrass myself!

Food: The Center of My Life Past and Present

Looking back on my childhood I can remember so many things and they are mostly associated with food. I remember whenever I was sick my mom making me a bowl of heavily buttered toast covered with hot milk and salt and pepper. Even today it's a fight, when I don't feel well, not to break out the "milk toast". I don't remember having lots of snacks in my home growing up and don't know why I was a chubby child but I remember that special times were often had at Grooms Ice Creamery and TAT pizza. We didn't have frozen pizza and I don't remember having ice cream in the freezer like we do now. I can remember getting in trouble when I was about 5(or younger) The neighbor's grandson was visiting and for some unknown reason we were behind the garage smearing MUM deodorant in our respective navels. My mom found us and send Chris home and me to my room. I was made to stay home with supervision while the rest of the family went to get ice cream cones from Grooms. An ice cream treat was rare and I still remember watching out the bedroom window as the car pulled away. My mother was a good cook but other than holidays I don't remember much before the age of 15 as to everyday meals. They must have been high in calories because I was an overweight child. As an adult I have to have something to serve people who drop by my house. I don't know if this is something that I have stored in my subconscious from childhood or what I developed on my own but food and drink are central in my act as a good hostess. In the past an unexpected visitor would be offered coffee at a minimum and I would feel obligated (why I don't know) to offer something solid. I have slowly broken myself from the guilt of not having danishes, mainly because I would eat them before I had company. It is still hard for me to have visitors and not feed them. I have planned whole vacations around food. On our cruise last December my sisters and I spent a lot of time discussing where and when we would eat. I don't remember one conversation about the workout room. Food is central in all of our lives. We meet over dinner and discuss the day's activities, we have parties and chat at the buffet table and we linger over desert at a great restaurant while enjoying the company of a friend. It's going to be hard for me to point to the exact reason why I ate, not for survival, but to fill some need in myself that wasn't being met elsewhere.

My Before Pictures

My favorite magazine articles are those before and after pictures. I love seeing how much a person changes with weight loss or a make over. Well I can't tell you the 'guts' it took to post these pictures. These pictures to me are brutal. I was at Photographer Kevin Pyle's home to take the pictures below. As he was putting them to disc all I could say was exclamations like "dear God or oh Lord" I was horrified at these pictures. I have repeatedly said on my other blog that Kodak doesn't lie. No matter how good you think you look, have a picture taken and that should just snap you back to reality. I was just appalled at how I have let myself go and to think I have been bigger in the past. I am not discouraged, I am really motivated. I want to be able to see a difference next month when I have those pictures taken again. Thank you Kevin for helping me!!!

Definitions

Through out the duration this blog you may read things that either confuse or offend you. Oh well. Life is tough all over. The offending part I can do nothing about. Choosing to be offended is personal and has nothing to do with me. You can either read this or not, your choice. Now the confusion part I can help with. I frequently use nicknames, abbreviations and such when I write. I will attempt to keep you up to date at the time with any unfamiliar words or abbreviations. For now I will give you a list of frequently used words and their meanings. I have accumulated a list of descriptive names from relatives(thank you Carrie and Mark) from friends(thank you Christy)and from the ER. Here are a few:

Cankle - a cankle is essentially a fat ankle. It's when your calf flows down into your ankle. A cankle is the thing that over flows your short little socks. If you are large no one should see your fat ankles unless you have unbelievable self esteem. Very self assured over weight people and those at the gym wear Capri's with little socks and cankles are evident.

Abdomothigh - An abdomothigh is when your stomach falls to the top of your thighs. An abdomothigh cannot be pushed successfully into a Spanx without assistance from your significant other. Those of you who read my other blog are aware of my Spanx issues during the time of my daughters wedding.

Triceptopit - This is also know as a bat wing or a bye-bye arm. This is the loose skin and fat that hangs down from your triceps and hides your armpit. It becomes a problem when you are trying to shave and have to practically dislocate your arm by throwing it backwards so that you can see your armpit. This is endearing in your grandmother. I do not have a grandchild so it is not endearing to me.

Choobie - A Choobie is when your chin reaches your boobies. This is way more than a turkey neck. A choobie is when you really can't find your chin. If you have a choobie you cannot wear those cute choker necklaces because it would not be seen. Kinda like a thong on a 400 pound woman. This was, till recently my personal favorite word, thanks to my nephew Mark.

Dickie-Do - Okay now this is just slightly naughty but is now my favorite descriptive word. A dickie-do is particular to a man. This is sort of like the abdomothigh but....well... it's just a better male description. It is when a man's stomach sticks out farther than his DICKIE-DO. Thank you Christy!

Zumba Lisa, from Breaux Bridge Sure Fit, gave me a private lesson today and I finally think with practice I can do the basic Salsa steps. This Zumba is a killer. I felt like my legs were going to fall off. I got a good workout and had a blast with Lisa. Bronson showed me the equiptment in the new equiptment room that is just for women and I will go there tomorrow to do cardio and start on the exercise equiptment.

Oh and by the way I am down to 262. Not a big deal because it's mostly water. I have peed enough to sink a canoe.

Snack Drawer and Blending In

I made it through the weekend with a few slips but still feel somewhat successful. I sit on the right side of the desk at the nursing station. That is "my" area and I am very territorial. I have tried sitting other places and it just doesn't work for me. Beside my spot is the treat drawer(which probably explains why I sit there)Whenever we have candy it goes in that drawer. It should have a lock on it. The first thing I do is open it when I get to work. On Friday they had sugar wafer cookies. My momentary favorite. I had one without thinking about it. I had it chewed up before I gave my diet a thought. I ate my dinner, kept to protein snacks and fruit with in moderation. I drank all my water and have tried to decrease the amount of coffee I consume. I didn't make it to the gym at all. Work was exhausting and I only had 12 hours between shifts.

I got to thinking about the color black. I wear a lot of black. I like the color but mostly choose it because it makes me look less fat. I really am only fooling myself but I still gravitate towards that color because I think it helps me to blend in. What I have found is that people remember me. Not that I am just not the most memorable person you would want to meet but usually because of my size. I have had many situations where I have had NOTHING to do with a disgruntled patient and they will always say the 'big' nurse did such and such.. that's me. Everyone else seems to disappear. I have been called to give a statement about something that happened that I have no knowledge of and I promise you that it is because they notice me and mostly forget who it was that pissed them off. One of the nurses said one time that the patient was going to call and complain about her. I told her not to worry they would complain about the fat nurse.... or the big nurse with red hair(I haven't had red hair in a year)It happens too many times to be a coincidence.

You cannot blend in if you are 100+ pounds over weight. I don't want to be just like everyone else because fat or not I am unique and have value. I too often judge myself harshly because of my weight and I have to learn not to do that. Being heavy makes me slow but it doesn't make me stupid. I have to learn to like myself in the shape I am in but sometimes I hate myself for all my weaknesses.

Each Day is New

I won't post every day especially on the weekends because of my schedule but what i wanted to talk about today is that each day is a new day. Kind of like the AA program (or OA) you go from day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. The temptation doesn't end. I am the master of rationalization. You want to eat?? Call me I will give you at least 10 reasons why you can eat whatever you want. The deal is I have to develop as large a repertoire of reasons why I can't eat. I come from an extended family of 'healthy' women. That is to say we are all sort of 'fluffy'. I have the singular honor of being the largest which makes me the empress of adipose. My sisters and I have had ongoing weight problems probably associated with growing up Shurtz. My father was an alcoholic and while I don't remember him ever living with me(my parents were divorced when I was very young)his drinking and genetic makeup influenced all of us. This may or may not be discussed at a later date. I really don't have much good to say about him thus it wouldn't be much fun to talk about Mike..we shall see, it is after all my blog.
I started today with 20 whole fresh cherries, 2 cups of coffee with milk. I probably should have had a better breakfast but wasn't hungry. I went to the gym and did 1 and 1/2 miles in 30 min. I haven't been on a treadmill since before Christmas and I was pouring sweat by the time I was done. I feel looser after I hit the treadmill. I have a feeling I was taxing the machine because it squeaked for all 30 min. The man in front of me kept turning up the sound on the TV and looking back at me. HEY....I'm working here... don't give me mean eyes. It reminds me of the time years ago at another gym. I was working on the thigh machine and a lady came up and just stood there looking at me. She was 'fashionably' thin with long dark hair in a pony tail and a sweat band around her forehead. She had a prominent nose. I can still see what she had on...everything was lavender and everything matched. I had just started on the machine and after tapping her foot she said "I don't know why you here, it's not going to do you any good". I was hurt and stunned. My immediate retort was: You know, I CAN lose weight with diet and exercise, it's going to cost you a f***king( I sometimes have problems with a potty mouth) fortune to take care of that ugly nose. I stopped going to the gym shortly afterwards and although I don't really remember I imagine I treated my misery with food.

Just so I can keep tract I had a broccoli salad for lunch and 3 oz of steak with broccoli for dinner. I work tonight and I am taking the remaining salad with me. I have about 6 glasses of water to drink. Today I was successful. Yea me!!

Zuma Day and Day One of No Sugar

I have a photographer friend the notable Kevin Pyle in Lafayette. He is going to take pictures of me once a month to place on this blog. Kevin shoots Elite's Dance performances and is a wonderful man. Go to his site www.kevinpyle.com and enjoy yourself!!

Today Becky and I went to Sure Fit and had a private lesson with Lisa Breaux. Man she get it DOWN. This session was to teach the Latin steps needed to go thru the routines. Becky did well. I discovered that I can't move my hips and arms at the same time...and add leg movement. I was all over the place. I am going back next week for another private and will continue to go TILL I GET IT! I will then join the group. I have made my weekly exercise goal decision. I will go to Sure Fit 4 times a week including my Zumba Class. The insides of my thighs hurt. I think it's because they have been rubbing together. The muscles don't hurt, that will happen tomorrow... it's my skin.
I have to do this. I must remain goal directed and focused. I am trying to be honest so it really should be about my health but in reality it's all about cute underwear and no cellulite....oh that and being able to cross my legs.

Dieting

There is no 4 letter word that I hate the most other than the word diet. I have reached my pinnacle of 270 pounds and I am 58 years old. I am an expert on dieting and an expert on failing as well. I was a chubby child but spent my early adult years with a good figure and the intelligence to maintain a healthy weight. I just don't know what happened. One day I was in a size 10 string bikini and next in granny panties. I look in the mirror and I don't see a fat woman. I see me. Not the real me, the me that my mind says I am. I have been lying to myself for 30 years and it has to stop now. In 1995 I lost 115 lbs from my all time high of 315 and I kept the weight off until I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003 and I gained back 70 pounds in a year. I have promised myself all kinds of things to keep on various diets that I have been on, I have thrown out all my "fat" clothes and now have nothing to wear . I can't wipe my butt the hygienic way because it's too big and I can't cross my legs. Despite what Weight Watchers touts dieting is NOT a group effort, it is a singular trial of determination, sweat, failure and hopefully success. I will succeed. I will keep this diary and post monthly pictures in an effort to keep me on tract and to provide encouragement for others in the same boat as me! I love life and want to live longer, healthier and happier. I want to be able to cross my legs, fly on a plane without cutting myself in half with the lap belt, have my energy back and wear high heels again. I want to wear a bathing suit and sit near thin people instead of picking a spot by those bigger than me. I want to walk into a place I haven't been to in a while and not be recognized. I will explore the reasons that cause me to placate my moods with food and deal with those things that bother me. I will never again "stop traffic" but I want to be the best that I can be. Join me on my journey.