STARVING

I have been awake since 4am and I am hungry. I am allowed 32 freeking points a day which is considerable. I am, however, currently willing to gnaw my dog's chewy toy and before I go to bed Sunday morning I will have to get thru the next 27 hours. I have 32 points to spread over 27 hours which is approximately 1.19 points per hour. I will work from 7pm till 7am so logic tells you that I need to save my points for my normally 'awake' hours. I am not kidding, my stomach is growling. I just finished 2 cups of coffee and a container of fat free lime flavored Ativia. That was one point and I want to lick(and eat) the container except it's too small to insert my tongue. I am planning on going back to bed this morning around 11 to take a nap so I only have to get thru the next 4 and 1/2 hours. I am thinking about chocolate, I am thinking about the Blue Bell Butter Pecan ice cream that is in my freezer, I am thinking about toast slathered in real butter. I have apples but it's so healthy that it irritates me. I have another wedding to prepare for. Joshua and Syd are getting married September 24, 2011(pretty sure) and I want to look smashing. Then the thought intrudes: is that really fair to Becky. I was 'fluffy' for her wedding so fairness indicates that I be equally fluffy for Joshua's. What a dilemma.

Guilty, but Back on the Program, and Walking the Dogs

Well I haven't posted anything in a while because I had nothing good to report. And it's all my fault. I haven't been paying attention to my freeking point system and I also went the the casino again with Kay and Becky. I am telling you that you can work up a HUGE appetite sitting on the slot machines. I was constantly hungry. I gained 1.5 lbs and the pitying looks of my group leader. Hey, I was thrilled, I figured that I had put on at least 5 lbs. I came directly home from my meeting(instead of going by Crystal Burgers for my reward) and got out the leashes to walk the dogs. I have talked about my dogs in my other blog www.shorttakesonlife.blogspot.com but not in this one. I have a bulldog, Elizabeth and a boxer, Demi(the wonder dog). They are spoiled rotten by Stan and me. I sort of viewed myself as a responsible dog owner because I love them to distraction, feed them the best money can buy, and keep their shots up, etc. Apparently in the last few years what I have failed to do was take them for walks. They get out multiple times a day to poo and race around the yard chasing important things like squirrels, cats, and insects. I throw a stick for them but usually they just watch me pick it up... with doggy grins in place. I just didn't take them for walks. I got the leash and took Elizabeth first. All was well till I ventured out of her comfort zone(the yard) then she started to shake. Big brave Elizabeth acted like I was taking her to the vet. She was scooting on the ground and quivering all over. It took a good 30 minutes to go 1/2 block. She finally started to walk but her face was hysterical. She actually had a doggy frown in place the whole time. She was not happy but soldiered on because I had stopped all attempts to return home. She wouldn't even consider doing "her business" anywhere on the route. When we returned from the half hour session I was sweating and so was she. I put her off leash and she ran to her yard.. rolling around, ending "legs up" in ecstasy. Then she got up and pooed all over the yard. Demi, being the wonder dog she is, was dancing with delight. Walking is her favorite new thing and she was all over the place. She pooed in all the neighbors yards(they can pay me later for the free fertilizer) she heeled, sat, and did all the smart doggy things. We got a good workout and she had a blast.
I haven't been back to the photographer for over a month. That will be corrected as I have an appointment next Wednesday.

Dessert idea for the week: Weight Watchers Cookies and Cream Ice cream Bars. They are two points each and are just delicious. They do however give you gas.... and it doesn't smell like cookies and cream.

Emotional Eating and 9/11

9 years ago I was in bed when my friend Debby Quebedeaux called and woke me up with the news that the Trade Center had been hit by a plane. I got up and turned on the TV and watched in horror while the second plane hit into the second tower. I was in shock. I left the house went to the store(in my jammie pants and a tee shirt) and bought a half gallon of ice cream. Then I came home and proceeded to eat the entire half gallon. I sat with the container in my lap and spoon by spoon ate the entire thing while watching the horror on TV. I can't remember even feeling anything other than such horror and sorrow but I was feeding my emotions at the time. I would take time to wipe my tears and my nose and continue to eat the ice cream till it was gone. I didn't realize that I had eaten the entire thing till I looked down and found myself surprised that the container was empty. Looking back my current response is "what was I thinking???" The problem was that I wasn't thinking. I was distressed and in shock and the first thing I did without thinking was to feed that emotion. I was conscious this year of my feelings and found as I was watching the replays on the news that I wanted something sweet. I didn't follow thru with that desire and allowed the emotion that I was feeling to roll over me. I really understood that in the past I have eaten when I have been upset to cover up my feelings. This is some sort of ah-ha moment. So today on the anniversary of the senseless terror attack on New York City, on Americans I am watching without food to dull the feelings. I prayed instead that the survivors, families and those immediately touched by the attack will be blessed. I will, every year hold vigil in front of my TV and I will remember.

Points and Butter Pounds

I started Weight Watchers with my daughter 2 weeks ago. This Thursday will be my third weigh in. I remember when I was 18 or 20 years old , my mom and I joined WW in Columbus, Ohio. I think I had 20 lbs to lose. I wanted to weigh 130. Currently my right leg weighs about that much so I have come a long way in the past 40 years. It used to be so simple. You had 2 beef meals a week, 5 fish meals, and I think the rest was chicken or turkey. You had to drink water, eat a ton of fresh vegtetables and you weighed in every week. There was food you could and couldn't eat unlike now. You can eat anything you want because all foods are assigned a point value. You are given a certain number of points that you can use each day based on your weight and activity level. I won't embarass myself by telling you all just how many points I am allowed each day but it is sufficient enough that I am not hungry. As you lose weight the number of points you are allowed each day lessens. Using the point system you can theoretically eat all your daily points in ice cream or oreos. Honestly I am wearing myself out using all my willpower to maintain a healthy diet and not just eat crap. I don't do well on a diet that allows me to eat what ever I want. You are allowed 35 extra points each week for dining out or a special occasion. I am the mistress of justification and can pretty much excuse the use of extra points. I was strict the first week and lost 7.2 lbs. Going into the second week I remembered that I hadn't used the 35 extra points from the first week, so I combined them with the second week's points(you are not allowed to do that) and cheated a lot. I, in fact, probably used the next 6 weeks extra points because they had the best cake at work. The second week I only lost .6 lbs. I was sure that the scale was wrong and they wouldn't let me strip nude to re-weigh. I was suitably depressed and ashamed so afterwards took Becky out for breakfast where we stuck to our allotted points. Drinking coffee, I got the 'urge' and went to the bathroom(if you are a new reader of my other blog get used to me being frank about bodily functions). I returned to the table and turned right around to go back to the john. I told Beck that I was going back to re-weigh because I know I had just lost 5 lbs. She just rolled her eyes at me.

I have always found it easier to visualize any weight loss in terms of sticks of butter. Every pound is represented by 4 sticks of butter. As of my last weigh in I have lost a little over 28 sticks of butter. To reach my goal I will have to lose over 400 stick os butter. OH MY GAWD! This week I was supposed to stick to an exercise program. I have failed miserably but the other day while surfing the net I came upon a new machine for exercise and weight loss. Yes, I ordered it and when it comes in I will take a picture so that you will be able to see the latest piece of equipment designed to give me a "tighter butt and thighs". It also promises that it will increase weight loss. I am pretty excited... I just love new gadgets! It will probably end up holding my discarded clothes like the Nordic Track.

Closing now and wishing all a blessed Labor day.

Second Pictures, Weight Watchers and Granny Panties

I am shocked when I see pictures of myself. What amazes me is that my belly is bigger than my boobs. When I had my bilateral mastectomies I was afraid that my implants were too big. Then I gained 70 lbs. I should have gone for the superdooper sized boobs.
This lovely butt view makes me cringe.

Kevin Pyle( the WONDERFUL photographer) and I have decided that this will be my outfit for the duration because it is pretty revealing and this shot alone, when repeated will show my success. As the white line straightens my butt is getting smaller!

Oh oink... look at my cankles.

To my niece Carrie. You win. I am in something that is very revealing. I want you to appreciate that the pants are tight and I was miserable. I felt like I had a wedgie the whole time and I couldn't breathe. After the photo session I met Becky and we went to Weight Watchers. She doesn't have much to lose but she wanted company and I went. The check-in lady wanted to know if I was a 'lifetime' member(that is a person who reaches their goal and keeps it off. They don't have to pay for meetings) I wanted to say " why yes I am, I just had a 100 lb slip up." Considering that I only lost 5 lbs since the last picture session I figured a more structured diet was in order. I remember when I first went to Weight Watchers, I was 18 and weighed 150 lbs. I wanted to lose 20 lbs. and I was successful. Oh, those were the days. I went to the gym twice and walked the streets twice so my exercise goal was met and I am actually feeling better. The thing that is encouraging me to stay on track this week is the memory of the elderly obese lady I undressed 3 days ago at work. She and I have matching underwear. I sort of liked my drawers before I saw her in them. I wasn't aware but apparently I wear large granny panties. My eating trigger this week is my continued struggle trying to finish my son's business taxes. I know... when I am working on the taxes I will just drape my granny panties on my head.

Admission of and Thoughts on Cheating

Kay and I in front of the LauBerge du Lac Casino in Lake Charles. Kay is a veterinarian from Houston, Texas and has been my dear friend for over 25 years.



I have been on my mini vacation and I am sitting here in bed drinking a diet Dr. Pepper, which I might add is about the only thing “diet” I have consumed in the past two days. I intended on being very good and eat only fish, beef and vegetables while I was gone. Well I didn’t. I have had blackened redfish smothered in crawfish etoufee, Eggs Benedict, hamburger and fries and a fabulous grilled cheese and bacon sandwich. With more fries. I personally believe that there isn’t a French fry that I don’t just purely love. Does it count that I didn’t eat dessert? Probably not. I consumed enough calories in one meal for an entire day. But lordy I did have fun. The question is, are you allowed to cheat? You shouldn't but every diet says that cheating is normal and what you have to do is get back on the proverbial horse and continue on. So tomorrow afternoon I will go back on my diet and will be glad to do so. Since I am confessing I might as well tell it all…. I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks. I am having the worst time going. I want to go when I get off work and I end up so tired I just drive on by. So this week my 2 goals are to go back to the gym at least 4 days and to stay on my diet. For tonight I will say that I am happy to have been with my friend Kay, and that I have had a great time in a marvelous hotel. I was also happy for the French fries. So sue me.

Pictures

Okay I have had more than one suggestion that instead of my scrubs to have my picture taken each month to get a form fitting outfit like on "The Biggest Loser" to really show how much I have done. HUMMMMM. That would be stretch pants and a athletic bra. I honestly don't know if I can go that far. I need to take in the sensibilities of the photographer who is helping me. If he is laughing too hard the pics might not turn out well. I mean if I will do that why not a bathing suit.... like the one I wore 30 years ago. Yes I still have it, I thought about putting it in a shadow box.. it's about that small. To all those who have suggested the clothes change, I will give it thought because you are right. Nothing would be hidden from the camera. I'm sitting here right now wanting to snack. I won't do it but the 'want' is there. Stan has two types of ice cream in the freezer, strawberry and butter pecan, uggghhh I love them both. I can hear them calling me. I need to get up and clean the kitchen and pack my lunch for tonight. I will not eat the ice cream. Stan told me today that he has lost weight. How freeking fair is that? I'm on a diet and Stan loses weight AND is eating ice cream.

PS. I will not eat the ice cream damn it.