Eating Disorders

I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic or bulimic but food still controls my life to an extent. I eat based on my emotions. I have known several people who have maintained their weight by vomiting and using laxatives. I can promise you I have never ever forced myself to vomit in order to lose weight. I can also promise you that the few times I have been sick I was secretly glad because I had emptied my stomach of a meal. As I am bent over the toilet thinking I am dying, there is a little voice saying wooohooo I am going to lose weight. I really hate to vomit though so I just can't imagine anyone doing that on a regular basis. The thing is that those eating disorders are not so much about food as about control. Each person I know that has struggled with anorexia is all about the thin body but in the background of their life there is a powerlessness that may not be apparent. The only control they have is what goes into their mouths.
When I was in nursing school my friend Patty G. and I had dates with some impressive guys from the School of Optometry. We both felt we were bloated so Patty(who had constipation problems) took 2 ducolax pills and she gave me one pill. I don't remember ever even thinking about my bowels at that age let alone taking one to make me go. After 30 minutes we hadn't gone yet(hey we were still learning about medication) so we took more.. she took 2 and I took another. We didn't make our dates that night because we couldn't leave the bathroom. I did however lose that bloated feeling. I know as sure as I am writing this that a majority of women have used laxatives at one time or another to get rid of the bloat so that they can look better in their jeans or that special clingy dress. The problem arises when you start taking them every day or several times a day so that you can eat what you want and just poo it out. That "little" habit messes up your electrolytes in your body and can cause serious health problems.
I really can understand the allure of eating what you want and just getting rid of it. You could eat a whole cake and in one jab of a well placed finger down your throat the cake comes up and voila... no weight gain. I understand it, but couldn't do it. Bulimics have told me that eating and purging controls nearly every part of their lives. I want my freedom. I wouldn't want to be chained to the nearest bathroom.
I had a successful weekend food wise but missed the gym each day. I am doing about 15 minutes of Zumba at work. It's a little embarrassing because I don't have music and I look ridiculous BUT ultimately who cares. It won't be the first or last time I embarrass myself!