Dieting

There is no 4 letter word that I hate the most other than the word diet. I have reached my pinnacle of 270 pounds and I am 58 years old. I am an expert on dieting and an expert on failing as well. I was a chubby child but spent my early adult years with a good figure and the intelligence to maintain a healthy weight. I just don't know what happened. One day I was in a size 10 string bikini and next in granny panties. I look in the mirror and I don't see a fat woman. I see me. Not the real me, the me that my mind says I am. I have been lying to myself for 30 years and it has to stop now. In 1995 I lost 115 lbs from my all time high of 315 and I kept the weight off until I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003 and I gained back 70 pounds in a year. I have promised myself all kinds of things to keep on various diets that I have been on, I have thrown out all my "fat" clothes and now have nothing to wear . I can't wipe my butt the hygienic way because it's too big and I can't cross my legs. Despite what Weight Watchers touts dieting is NOT a group effort, it is a singular trial of determination, sweat, failure and hopefully success. I will succeed. I will keep this diary and post monthly pictures in an effort to keep me on tract and to provide encouragement for others in the same boat as me! I love life and want to live longer, healthier and happier. I want to be able to cross my legs, fly on a plane without cutting myself in half with the lap belt, have my energy back and wear high heels again. I want to wear a bathing suit and sit near thin people instead of picking a spot by those bigger than me. I want to walk into a place I haven't been to in a while and not be recognized. I will explore the reasons that cause me to placate my moods with food and deal with those things that bother me. I will never again "stop traffic" but I want to be the best that I can be. Join me on my journey.