Snack Drawer and Blending In

I made it through the weekend with a few slips but still feel somewhat successful. I sit on the right side of the desk at the nursing station. That is "my" area and I am very territorial. I have tried sitting other places and it just doesn't work for me. Beside my spot is the treat drawer(which probably explains why I sit there)Whenever we have candy it goes in that drawer. It should have a lock on it. The first thing I do is open it when I get to work. On Friday they had sugar wafer cookies. My momentary favorite. I had one without thinking about it. I had it chewed up before I gave my diet a thought. I ate my dinner, kept to protein snacks and fruit with in moderation. I drank all my water and have tried to decrease the amount of coffee I consume. I didn't make it to the gym at all. Work was exhausting and I only had 12 hours between shifts.

I got to thinking about the color black. I wear a lot of black. I like the color but mostly choose it because it makes me look less fat. I really am only fooling myself but I still gravitate towards that color because I think it helps me to blend in. What I have found is that people remember me. Not that I am just not the most memorable person you would want to meet but usually because of my size. I have had many situations where I have had NOTHING to do with a disgruntled patient and they will always say the 'big' nurse did such and such.. that's me. Everyone else seems to disappear. I have been called to give a statement about something that happened that I have no knowledge of and I promise you that it is because they notice me and mostly forget who it was that pissed them off. One of the nurses said one time that the patient was going to call and complain about her. I told her not to worry they would complain about the fat nurse.... or the big nurse with red hair(I haven't had red hair in a year)It happens too many times to be a coincidence.

You cannot blend in if you are 100+ pounds over weight. I don't want to be just like everyone else because fat or not I am unique and have value. I too often judge myself harshly because of my weight and I have to learn not to do that. Being heavy makes me slow but it doesn't make me stupid. I have to learn to like myself in the shape I am in but sometimes I hate myself for all my weaknesses.